Want to destroy the trust on your team? Just do one of these.
The meeting felt like a dinner where no one was saying what they were really thinking - but every fork hit the plate just a little too loud.
People smiled. They nodded at the right moments. No one said anything wrong. And yet… the air was thick with things unsaid.
The leader had asked me to observe:
“We’ve lost our spark. People aren’t sharing ideas. They’re not collaborating like they used to. Something’s… off.”
By the end of the meeting, I wrote one line in my notebook:
The ~Super Destructors~ are here.
Because when a team starts to break down, it rarely starts with shouting or door-slamming. It starts in the quiet.
It starts in the subtle ways we protect ourselves when we’re afraid of being judged, misunderstood, or overlooked.
These are the 5 Super Destructors. Aka the things we do when we're scared, tired or fed up - and don't know how to say it.
And yes... I’ve been guilty of every single one.
1. Scapegoating
Fear looking for somewhere to blame.
Imagine you’re in a storm - and instead of figuring out how to steer the boat, the team starts tossing people overboard.
That’s scapegoating.
We make someone the villain because it gives us temporary control. But what we really need is collective responsibility, not individual shame.
Better questions: >> “What expectation was unclear?” >> “Where did the process fail?" (ie not the person)
2. Undermining
Talking about someone to feel more in control.
This one’s like giving the team trust a papercut. One subtle dig. One “harmless” side comment. One sarcastic Slack.
We tell ourselves, “I’m just venting.” But if we’re honest? We’re trying to feel powerful in a moment we feel powerless.
Try this: >> “Would I say this to their face - with generosity?” >> “Am I sharing this to build trust - or to build a case?”
3. Colluding
Teaming up to feel less alone - not to create real change.
It sounds like:
“Oh my god, you feel that too? I thought I was the only one!”
In isolation, that moment feels validating. But over time, collusion creates side conversations that never lead to actual conversations.
It’s like gathering around a campfire of shared frustration and calling it progress.
Ask yourself: >> “Are we comforting each other or avoiding the real conversation?” >> “What would it take to bring this to the team instead of keeping it in the group chat?”
4. Stonewalling
Withholding because we’re hurt - but don’t feel safe enough to say it.
A leader once told me,
“It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I don’t think anyone will actually listen.”
That’s stonewalling. It’s silence as armor. It’s showing up in meetings but checking out emotionally. It’s the “I’m fine” that’s clearly not fine.
And it’s one of the most dangerous dynamics a team can carry - because it looks like nothing’s wrong, until everything is.
Instead of pushing, try this: >> “I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter lately - I’m here if you want to talk.” >> “I don’t need answers. Just honesty, when you’re ready.”
5. Avoiding
Stepping over what matters to “keep the peace” - at the cost of trust.
Avoiding is the “I’ll bring it up later” that never comes. The “It’s not worth it” that becomes resentment. The tension you can feel in the room, even if no one names it.
It’s shoving discomfort into a closet and pretending the door will hold.
Spoiler: it won’t.
Try this: >> “Can we have a 10-minute chat about something I’ve been sitting with?” >> “This might feel awkward, but I care enough to bring it up.”
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So… which one are you?
Let’s normalize this: we’ve all done at least one of these. I’ve personally rotated through avoiding, stonewalling, and colluding all in one week (hello, high-functioning chaos).
This isn’t about shame. It’s about awareness.
Because once you see these behaviors for what they are - protective strategies, not personal failures - you can choose differently.
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Imagine your team like this instead:
Tension gets named, not buried.
Feedback goes to people, not through people.
Conflict becomes a path to clarity and not a reason to shut down.
People feel safe enough to say: “I’m not okay,” and supported enough to do something about it.
That’s the culture you build: one honest moment at a time.
Ready to shift your team out of quiet destruction and into bold connection?
You don’t need a 6-month culture overhaul. You need one conversation that changes everything.
Is that you?
Let’s talk. This is the work I live for.
Want to turn this into a team conversation starter? Just DM me and I’ll send you a 1-pager version with reflection questions.
My best, always,
Shar
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